8 People To Avoid in Left 4 Dead

Left 4 Dead was one of those games that you just knew was going to be good. It combined the aspects of Valve’s past successful FPS titles with a strong emphasis on cooperative gameplay, and the most important factor of all: Zombies. Since its release in late 2008, Left 4 Dead has receive much critical acclaim, as well as commercial success on both the PC and XBOX 360. Many people, including myself, find the game endlessly entertaining due to its unique emphasis on cooperative play and the fact that it allows the player to play as the zombies.

Needless to say, when you have a game that puts so much emphasis on teamwork, playing single player isn’t really an option. You’re going to have to play multiplayer to get the full bang for your buck. As with any online experience, you’re going to have to bump into a mixed bag when it comes to your teammates. And in a game like Left 4 Dead, having a good or bad teammate is enough to define your gaming experience. You’ll run into a good share of like-minded players who are just on there to have some fun. However, you will most likely run into the bad apples along the way, especially if you play regularly. Avoiding extensive gaming with these types of people can significantly improve your overall Left 4 Dead experience. To assist in accomplishing this, I have compiled a list of the eight types of people you will meet in Left 4 Dead that you DO NOT want to play with.

Jump for the inside scoop!

The 80’s Action Hero

Take your pick. Sly Stallone? Jean-Claude Van Damme? Steven Segal? Arnold Schwarzeneger? Chuck Norris? Whoever you picked, rest assured that this player has every movie poster ever made with them in it, plastered right next to his Dragonball Z posters. Pumped up and fresh off of “pwning some noobs” in his recent game of Halo, this player is utterly opposed to teamwork, specifically the “team” aspect of it. In his mind, he is a one-man army. In fact, it is likely you and the rest of the team do not even exist on his monitor. Did you just get puked on, and now are being swarmed by a horde of zombies? Don’t worry, those zombies will soon meet their end as our action hero throws a Molotov right onto your head to kill them. The best way to identify our hero is at the beginning of each level, when he barges out of the saferoom while everyone is still collecting their guns, just to run 20 feet before getting pounced by a hunter. Upon rescuing his worthless ass, the player will most likely ask what took so long, before running forward again. Rinse and repeat until the player dies, at which point he will yell or type expletives and quit the game altogether in a fit of rage.

The Achievement Hunter

As time has passed, these types have dwindled off, but when the game first came out, they ruled each lobby with an iron fist. If it’s not the guy who runs up to the Witch to try to Cr0wn her, while the rest of the team is trying to run around, it’s the guy who tells everyone not to damage the tank so they can get Man vs. Tank…while playing Versus. It can sometimes be hard to spot these types within a game, but if you’re trying to get through Blood Harvest on Expert, and Zoey has been using her pistols the whole time, you know you’ve got one on your hands.

The Chessmaster

Each level in L4D is a fairly linear experience. However, while the overall objective remains the same for each playthrough, there are many small decisions that are made throughout any game that can have large effects on the outcome. The Chessmaster is a player that exists solely to let you know that whatever decisions you ultimately make, are indeed the wrong ones. If you picked up an auto-shotgun, you should’ve picked up the assault rifle. If you just threw a pipe bomb, you probably threw it 4 seconds too late. If you just placed a gas tank down as a trap, you placed it in the wrong spot. Heaven forbid the Chessmaster ever dies. If he does, prepare to be told every possible reason why you suck donkey balls. The Chessmaster is also easy to spot early on when the player has given out five commands, and you haven’t even picked up your health pack yet. Strings of commands come out of the player’s mouth or keyboard as if he was playing a game of verbal chess. Be prepared to be treated like a chess piece when playing with this type of player.

The Griefer

One would think in a game where you can’t even survive more than 5 minutes of any level without the help of your teammates, someone like the Griefer couldn’t exist. If you thought that, you would be wrong. This player is a shining example of everything that is wrong with the internet today. Not only did he pay $50-60 dollars just so he could ruin your online gaming experience, but he is probably doing it with only one hand while getting off on it. Now, here’s the trick to identifying The Griefer. Take a close look at the suspect’s weapon. If it just emptied an entire magazine into you, you’ve got yourself a Griefer.

The High Jumper

This player has watched every hunter pounce montage video ever posted on Youtube. He plays the game solely to attempt the stunt-like mega pounces he sees in said videos, and dreams about them in his sleep. Although you will never know it, he is one of those people you see entering a lobby, and leaving immediately when they see the Infected team has already been filled. Within the game, you can pick this type of player out as they are the ones that generally spend 5 minutes jumping around trying to get to the highest point in the map. They then camp there waiting for the survivors to run into the “sweet spot” that will grant them the orgasmic 25-point pounce that they covet. Apparently, there are three playable boss infected classes? Not as far as this guy is concerned. He will suicide when he is any other class just so he can respawn sooner as a hunter. This player is also most likely the Infected with the least amount of points at the end of each map, since they normally get shot down from their camping spots before they even pounce because everyone and their mother knows of all those camping spots already.

The Orkin Man

Like a professional exterminator, this player is a pro at finding bugs. However, instead of destroying them, they use them to exploit the game in every possible situation. It started out innocent enough, with doggie style raping a Witch that could do nothing but flail her arms around helplessly. Then it went to meleeing at an extremely quick rate. Eventually, thanks to the Orkin Man’s ingenuity, what started out harmless, slowly exacerbated itself and spread to more and more aspects of the game. Soon, you couldn’t play a Versus game without people turning themselves into human cannonballs with the gatling gun, and 12 hunters jumping around together trying to pounce you. Due to a recent patch on the PC, most of these exploits have been fixed. Be wary though, as this player is still lurking, waiting to strike at the next opportunity. Every once in awhile, you’ll catch an Orkin Man that’s a little behind on the times, meleeing away at the No Mercy 3 rolling overhead door.

The Soprano

Also known to many as “The 12 Year Old.” Easy to recognize as they always speak with a high pitched voice, and they often do not stop talking. Ever. If you join a game-in-progress with one of these players, you may be confused at first, but don’t worry, you didn’t just walk into a taping for an episode of the Gilmore Girls. Just as a heads up though, this type of player generally likes to take on a secondary personality similar to the ones mentioned previously. Sometimes, you’ll get a Chessmaster-in-training, or an Action Hero whose balls have yet to drop. Whichever one you get, be prepared to get the chipmunk version of everything, all while wondering if you should hit on the player, because they could very well be a girl.

The Girl

This type does not exist. Please refer to “The Soprano” for further details.

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4 Responses to “8 People To Avoid in Left 4 Dead”

  1. This was freaking GOLD! Great post!

  2. It was truly a beautiful post, Mark. I cried for just a second.

    Before the zombies started eating my tears.

  3. Hahaha, this is EPIC. So true.

  4. That was awesome. I actually have spent half a game, wondering if a 12 year old was a girl or not.

    Turns out it actually was a girl. A 12 year old girl. Now I don’t know what to think…

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