My Perfect GDC Speech

My Perfect GDC Speech

The head speaker for GDC has recently been announced, and it is none other than Nintendo President Satoru Iwata himself. The presentation will be titled “Discovering New Development Opportunities”. Seeing as the event will be held a mere 30 minutes from me, I would like nothing more than to stow away in someone’s trenchcoat like Roger Rabbit to watch this address live. However, I am a realist and know that while the Nintendo’s main man is speaking, I will probably be setting up some reaction with a tear in my eye of what could have been.
As I cried myself to sleep I had a dream. In this dream, Iwata gave MY perfect GDC speech. Luckily I keep a dream journal!!

——–
“Thank you, thank you, Stacey Keibler and Scarlett Johansson for that very lovely and naked introduction. As you know, Nintendo has been a giant in the videogame industry for many years. We have brought you classic characters such as Mario, Zelda, Samus Aran, and many others. We continue to be the company that brings new gamers into the fold…introducing Big Brain Academy for the older generations, and easy to play games such as Wii Sports for those otherwise put off by the complex controls that have scared potential gamers away from the joys of videogames for so long.

This “Blue Ocean” strategy has exceeded beyond our expectations, with the Wii as the best selling console this generation, and the DS printing more money than Scrooge Mcduck has in his vault. [pause for nervous laughter and Ducktales reference]. But I digress. This generation has also, sadly, brought about some consternation amongst our most loyal fans. We’ve read your forums, and just know, that neglect you feel will be gone soon.

The next Mario game, titled “Super Mario Planet” will maintain the beautiful control scheme of Super Mario Galaxy, but yet, take Mario on a whole new adventure. We don’t want to broke what aint fixed…er fix what ain’t broke [audience laughter]. This Mario game will contain lush, new environments and not only have your cliché water/desert/lava levels.

The new Zelda game will return to the beautiful cel-shaded graphics of Wind Waker, because art styles like that never grow old. This game is actually a direct sequel to Wind Waker and shows what the world under the water is like after the ocean level mysteriously decends. It will feature allow for 2-4 players to play at the same time over a [now magically fixed through patch!] Wi-Fi Connection including certain areas of dungeons that can only be beaten with multiple players (a la Little Big Planet)

Its not all old franchises however, we have also taken the time to invest in new IPs and new games. A deathmatch game where you play as ninjas and use the Wii Remote to toss throwing stars. Twisted Metal Revival and playable with the Wii Wheel (if you want!). Nintendo vs Capcom fighting game with 80 playable characters such as Little Nemo and Tingle. And for channels? The new Game Boy Player channel, which will allow you to buy and play the whole Game Boy backlog and even download them to your SD card and take them on the go with your DS!

I had this, and it was awesome

Anyway, this next year will be great for videogames and even better for gamers. Now if you look under your seat…..ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS so you can afford all of this!! Thanks for coming, and here…I give you Kristen Bell to take home as swag. Thank you and have a great week!”

Well that was an awesome address…too bad when I came to, I was in bed ready to get only 5 hours of sleep before I had to wake up at 6:30 in the morning to go to work again. I doubt this will come to pass, but a fanboy can dream, cant he?

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3 Responses to “My Perfect GDC Speech”

  1. Hilarious! I would take KB as a prize any day!

  2. Gandysampras Says:

    Fuck Wind Waker,
    Bad graphics were bad,
    Bad game was bad.

    Also I hear Tactix actually enjoys sniffing fresh dog turds.

  3. I love you too, Gandy.

    *sniffs Gandy’s turds*

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